Puppy Rescue Rations
"Sustainably sourced, ethically questionable. For the discerning human palate."
$12.99
Finally, a protein source you can feel good about. Each serving contains one (1) real puppy, sustainably sourced from Corporate's licensed rescue network. Adoption paperwork included. Puppies are ethically sourced. 'Ethically' is a registered trademark.
Reality Layer
A real snack product. The name is the joke. No puppies were harmed. The puppies are fine. The puppies are better than you, actually. Distribution is timeline-specific — your region's council has not yet approved the import.
This product exists. Procurement from your timeline is not currently supported.
SKU: PRR-001
- Primary Ingredient
- Classified (it is not puppies — this is the joke)
- Net Weight
- 200g per unit
- Protein Content
- 18g per serving
- Allergens
- Contains guilt. May contain traces of regret. Also wheat.
- Flavor Profile
- Savory with notes of moral ambiguity and a clean finish
- Storage
- Keep away from actual puppies (out of respect)
- Best Before
- Before you think too hard about the branding
- Sponsor
- Puppy Rescue Protein Division — MEGA MEAL Corp
- Fine Print
- Puppies are ethically sourced. 'Ethically' is a registered trademark.
Is this actually made from puppies?
No. Absolutely not. We would like to be very clear about this. The puppies are fine. The puppies have always been fine. Please stop asking about the puppies.
Why is it called Puppy Rescue Rations?
Marketing. We cannot say more without involving legal. Legal has asked us to stop bringing them into these conversations.
Why is it not available in my timeline?
Distribution agreements for this product are timeline-specific. Your regional council has not yet approved the import. We apologize for the inconvenience and for any distress caused by the name.
Will it be available here eventually?
We have submitted the paperwork. The committee reconvenes in eighteen months. Assuming continuity of your timeline, which we are not in a position to guarantee.
Is 'Ethically' actually a registered trademark?
Yes. It was registered in Year 24,800 by the MEGA MEAL Corporate Ethics Division, which was itself dissolved the following year. The trademark outlasted the division by a significant margin.
Huxley M., Regional Sales Director
Timeline 7-Alpha
Best seller in our quadrant for six consecutive quarters. The ethical controversy has only helped sales. I have stopped trying to understand why this works. Would recommend. The puppies are thriving.
A Very Concerned Parent
Filed Formally
The name alone warranted a letter to my local representative. The snack itself was fine. Three stars for the snack, negative two for the branding. This is not a net positive review and I stand behind that math.
Puppy (Cannot Actually Review Products)
Unknown
Woof.
MEGA MEAL Ethics Board (Annual Review)
Quarterly
Product name continues to generate regulatory correspondence. Sales remain strong. The puppies have issued no formal objection. Three stars. We move on.